Gas Price Woes

Since most every American is belly-aching about fuel prices these days, I thought I'd propose a new energy policy to the public and to 'our man of God,' President Bush.

Perhaps environmentalists have been going about the energy/pollution debate the wrong way. Rather than push for cleaner more efficient alternatives, why not push the other way? No, seriously. America is so completely oblivious or at least apathetic about prices elsewhere in the world, why not give the conservative, big-ass-Truck-loving, Republicans everything they've wanted? Fighting them is like fiddling with a chinese finger toy, the harder you pull, the more stuck you get.

1) Drill in Alaska. Hell Drill everywhere.
The majority of the Alaskan population wants their land raped in exchange for oil revenue. Let's give it to them. And once all the wildlife is dead and all the oil is drained, they can become the next rust-belt of America, the next northern Pennsylvania mining town statistic. This is what they want, right? Utah, a ridiculously conservative 'shiite-Christian' community (aka Fundamentalist-Mindless-Land) seems to support such environmental efforts. They're pissed off at President Clinton for placing so much of their land on the protected federal lands list. I say, we lift the ban. Saw down every tree, drill every ounce of oil from Utah and pollute every lake with mercury and lead deposits. After all, Utah currently enjoys quite a tourist industry for its outdoors including skiing, hiking, camping, fishing, etc. Once their state is ravaged they can then join the ranks of Alaska just like they asked for.

2) Tax incentives for Gas Guzzlers.
We've got this tax-subsidy thing all backwards. We shouldn't be rewarding hybrid owners for their small efforts to contribute to a clean world. This is like rearranging the deck chairs of the Titantic and hey Jesus is coming soon to clean up the mess we're making anyways, ask Pat Robertson or any Republican politician. We ought to be giving tax breaks to people who purchase the most INEFFICIENT vehicles. They're doing the best service to our country. They're the real Patriots in this country. Give the Hummers, the Dodge Ram Pickups, and Suburbans the cash. The faster we can suck up all of the world's fossil fuels the faster we can move on to a true alternative. This is the real beauty and fusion of Conservative and Libertarian values at work to fuck us all, but equitably!

3) Punish Green Corporations
Now, I'll have none of this hiding-behind-altruistic-ethics-to-make-an-extra-buck bullshit. What we need are corporations that are honest and moral, ones that spew toxic waste into our rivers and air in a 21st-century transparent style. Any company found, trying to cut greenhouse gas emissions should swiftly be fined daily until they remove all scrubbers from their smoke stacks. The more hazardous materials that get into our food supply and into the environment the more jobs we'll create. There'll be a stronger demand for hospital beds and ventilators. Cottage-industries will emerge overnight (polluters themselves of course!) that will provide health services to protect us from ourselves! Forget the tech-support jobs being exported to India, all we need is our own waste to save us from this post-Clinton mess we're in. Who did Clinton think he was anyways? Trying to create jobs through innovation! Absurd! Bush has the right idea, we need to reflect on our past values and see what made American corporations king!

These three simple rules are all it would take to turn America around and seize her from the terrorist hands of Liberals!! Arghh!!!!